Bitterness. Sweetness.

Bitterness. Sweetness.

Mostly sweet, but the bitterness is ever present, and there for the sharpest contrast, and there like a shot from a hair-trigger's glance.

This was the day of his two sister's 2^nd birthday. In all actuality, this was and is his birthday, as well.

I know the proper word, or the proper description since he had passed 12 days prior in utero.

It is just, as it always is…a stark contrast of feelings. This year was more methodical, it was more of a procedure I followed. That scares me, it always scares me when I feel as though he is that much further from me.

I recall that the very first birthday….in the midst of family, and friends…the party that we dubbed as the "thank-you" party for all the prayers, love , support and blessings…..I slipped away upstairs to speak with him. I wanted to let him know that he was not forgotten, and that I loved him. Oh, how much I missed him and wanted him to be with all of us to share in the joy that was in our home that day…

This year, it was cold outside, and my heart was somewhat cold. I was and always will be happy for my girls. Though, I think each that passes will be that much more difficult for me as everyone moves forward. It is always that much more difficult to be around others, for they never fully show, and quite possibly never really ascertain the feelings that permeate each of these instances….and, it is particularly difficult since they do not grasp, and they do not contemplate….

Nevertheless, I am so scared that I will grow more like them….and, that is the furthest thing that I want to be.