2

Of all days, I came across this very post….

Here I am, I am on the eve….the eve of the day that is an indelible mark, the point of reference for most everyone but my wife and I. The day that those that do not live this day every day can point to, along with us….only to shove off, and move forward for the remaining 364 days.

I do not know where I am here at 2 years, but I know where he is….

In so many ways it does not feel like 2 years have passed, but in so many ways that day is seared, tattooed to my heart.

I am at work, and my colleagues go about daily business, shuffling clients to and fro whereas I reflect of exactly where I was, and what was going on with particular clients in the minutiae of what was that day when he passed. In so many ways that is what it is….what it is like….

To pause, to reflect…to silently scream each and every day at everyone at the pain that is tearing me apart….it is a constant struggle.

At 2, his sisters are 2….and rarely a moment goes by where I do not well up pondering how he would fit in, how he would interact with his sisters. I wonder if we were playing chase, would he be chasing them with me, or I would be chasing him? Would he cling to me, or would he be a Mamma's boy? Infinite moments pondering…

Life is moving on, but at the same time, it is stationary…

I know in these days, I grow more and more scared. I am scared that I somehow will forget him….that the sweet memory I have of him dissipates more and more….that the memories that warmed me up so are slowly slipping away.

That is what I fear the most, I hurt, and I fear…then I hurt because I fear. And, then the hurt from the fear turns to guilt…..

I am unable to describe, but at the same time I know precisely what I feel…..

And, I guess that is what the author herein was describing….I pulled his scrapbook from my desk today…he is always my sweet, fragile baby boy…and he will always be that precious and fragile being…..

Not a day goes by, rarely an hour or a moment does, that I do not miss my baby boy….