The Wretched Wanting

These are the thoughts that bubble to the surface. Emotions, especially the darker side of our emotional spectrum, I have found, are like bubbles trapped beneath a body of water's surface. Sometimes a slip occurs, and these bubbles are released to escape to the surface. I have no idea what stirred the waters this morning:

I have never felt as hapless and helpless as a human being.

When I held my little boy….there was not a damn thing that I could do for him.

It was impossible to protect him.

There was not a single thing that I could do to bring him back.

He was peaceful, but he was inhumanly gone.

And, there was not a thing I could do to change that….

My baby boy….and I could do nothing….I had done nothing but wait….and watch….and RELY on others. I am proactive. I am one that likes to jump into the fray. I am a lawyer. That is why I became a lawyer. To carry about change, to effectuate solutions to problems for people. I go down fighting for people even when the odds are so stacked against them.

But here, when it matter most to the people and lives that mean the most to me. I failed. I could not go down fighting because I had not even begun a fight. I was a mere spectator to events that would so effect me for the rest of my life. But, more importantly, to a life that depended on me for all that it was to be. And, I came up wanting by merely watching.

I was passive. I had to be. I was forced to be a spectator to the singular most important event in my lifetime. I could not rise to an occasion and thereby gave him no occasion. There was nothing that I could do.

It wretched, and wretches my soul thinking on these matters.